Not everyone knows the feeling. What it feels like to lose a pregnancy or infant. That would all change July 2012 .I found out I was expecting my first child. I was in college barely making any money so I rushed into panic. Even though I was 22 I was so scared. Having to care for another human being. I was barely taking care of myself. It was my first year I was really out on my own. Once my now husband assured me things will turn out great I got used to the fact I was going to be a mom.
It was so exciting having all these feelings inside. Mentally, physically and emotionally. One thing I wasn’t excited for was morning sickness. Oh was it bad. From morning until night. I couldn’t keep anything down. I was so surprised I did not lose any weight.
I finally got in my head, everything would just be OKAY. Then came the day I was due for my first ultrasound. That day everything changed. I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This meant I barely got a period and most likely would have a hard time getting pregnant. I was always on the pill. At the time around conception I was on Seasonique. This meant I would only have a period ever 3 months. At the doctors office they were trying to pinpoint exactly my conception and due date. My due date would have been March 6th. Five days before by sisters sixteenth birthday.
They couldn’t find a heartbeat. The doctor and ultrasound tech apologized etc. I was in complete shock. They matched that the fetus had died two days prior to the appointment. I didn’t say much while my mom and husband were in tears. We were given our options and I chose to get a d&c surgery. Thinking it would make the situation go away sooner. It just made it worse. I was depressed. I just couldn’t understand why. There’s others in the world who do not deserve to be parents and then there’s me.
After my d&c 30 days after to be exact I ended up conceiving again but had no idea. Waiting for my cycle to return I just thought it was my PCOS acting up. I was driving to work and started to feel horribly sick. That’s when I knew. I took two tests and they were both positive. I was in complete shock. My 2nd pregnancy was rough. I had so much anxiety thinking I would lose this one too but after some time I knew this time was right. Now my son is three years old, tantrums, and eating everything in sight. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
October 15th is in rememberance of miscarriage and infancy loss. Its not October 15th yet but I will always keep this day in my heart.